What we want isn't always what we need
by gibbs044
Summary: Andy got what she wanted... right? So why couldn't she just be happy with Sam. Set after 4.13 Mccollins story. First time poster... please be gentle. Constructive criticism welcome. Not beta'd.
1. Chapter 1

The past two weeks had been limbo for Nick. Ever since the shooting his world had been on hold. He was glad Sam had made it through, that would have been devastating for Andy if he hadn't. But at the same time it also meant she had been spending all her spare time with Sam. And he couldn't even blame her, because as much as he loved her, he had encouraged her. He couldn't help but think being noble sucked though.

The relationship with Andy was always going to be hard, competing against Sam and their history was an uphill battle, but he had thought he would have enough time to make it an even fight. As it stood now, he had a sinking feeling that he just didn't have enough time to make the same impression. But until he knew for sure, he wasn't giving up. Andy still needed him, still called to talk to him almost daily. He made sure he was there for her, letting her talk about her fears for Sam and how scared she had been. Let her talk about Chloe and wondering if it could have been prevented. Let her talk about Tracy and Steve and how they were going from strength to strength. And even though they spoke on the phone often, he still hadn't seen her in person. He was hoping this would change soon.

Sam was due out of hospital tomorrow and while he couldn't imagine a better outcome, he was getting more nervous as the minutes ticked by. Andy hadn't given any indication of whether she was breaking up with him or not and he didn't want to push her. She told him that she had to be there for Sam, especially after Marlo had left town following her suspension. He couldn't help but fear though, the longer she spent with Sam, the less likely she was to come back to him.

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Andy finally got home after helping Sam settle in at home. Falling in an exhausted heap on the lounge, she put her feet up and turned on the TV. Some background noise might drown out the million thoughts running through her head.

Sam and her had finally had The Talk. After everything they had been through it was finally good to talk about all the past mistakes they had both made. Now they were on the same page and had decided to start fresh. They love each other and the shooting had finally given them both perspective on what was important. She knew his flaws and he knew hers, the deal was he would talk more and she wouldn't run away from them.

And as happy as she was, he couldn't help but think about how unfair she was being to Nick. Even today he had been there for her, talking her through another freak out about Sam and how she didn't think he was ready to leave the hospital. Reassuring her that yes, he was okay to leave the hospital.

The problem was that she had to tell Nick about Sam and didn't even know how to begin. He had been her rock for so long now that she didn't want to do this without him. But it had to be done, she had to tell him... now, tonight.

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It was with apprehension that Nick grabbed his keys, wallet and jacket. This was the first time he would see Andy in two weeks. He couldn't wait to see her for himself, to make sure she was really okay, but at the same time, he wasn't sure what she had to say to him. She might not know he loved her, but that wasn't going to stop her from breaking his heart he was sure of it. And here he was driving straight into the storm that was about to hit. Seems he was more than a little bit of a masochist.

When she opened the door looking so sad he got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Didn't stop him from giving her a hug though, putting her feelings first was as natural as breathing. His first priority was to make sure she was ok. Gently pulling away, he closed the door and led her to the couch. "You want a drink or anything?"

She looked at him like he had two heads, but if this was going the way he thought it was, he wasn't ready to face it just yet.

"Ummm, yeah water would be great." He walked past her into the kitchen and got a glass of water, taking a moment to collect himself..

As he walked back in, she was sitting on the couch, legs underneath her. As he passed her the glass, she looked up and gave him a small smile. He took a seat at the other end of the couch facing her.

"Sam came home today. He doesn't have to start back to work for a while, but he's good."

"That's great Andy, he was really lucky."

"Yeah, if only he'd had his vest on...this would never have happened. I kinda feel like it's my fault. Did you know he was leaving the station? I found him in the locker room, putting his gun away and leaving the station. But I guess you already know this, it's in the reports."

"Yeah we went through it all. Best wanted to make sure we knew what happened so it wouldn't happen again." Nick was fidgeting, not quite understanding where this conversation was going. Didn't understand how this had anything to do with them.

"I haven't told anyone this, but the reason he was leaving was because of me."

"What do you mean because of you? This isn't your fault Andy. Swarek is an adult, I'm pretty sure you couldn't make him do anything."

She looked me in the eye and took a deep breath "He couldn't handle seeing me and you together."

Nick's breath hitched, still not sure of her point, but trying to stay calm.

"He said he wanted me to be happy, even if that was with you and not him, but he couldn't stay around to watch it. He still loves me." She broke eye contact as she turned to watch the TV.

How was he supposed to respond to that. That bastard was still playing games with her head and heart. If he was so damn happy for her, why even bring their relationship into the conversation and make her feel bad about it. Sam couldn't leave her alone, just as she was starting to finally move on with Nick. He had to look away from her so she didn't see how angry that made him.

"Do you love him?" He refused to look at her face as he waited for the answer.

"Yes, I don't know if I ever really stopped. It was always there in the background. We talked... about everything. We're gonna give us a proper chance this time. Learn from our mistakes."

He finally turned to look at her and the look on her face made him look away instantly. This was it, heart was officially broken now. His chest felt really tight and he couldn't breathe properly. It was like the whole world dimmed and time stood still. God, why did it hurt so much.

Suddenly reality came rushing back as he heard Andy talking to him. "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you. You are the last person I want to hurt, but me and Sam, you know... I've gotta give this a proper chance. Or else I will always wonder. Now is our chance. I really care about you, you're one of my closest friends, but... I need to do this"

He had to hold it together, she deserved to be truly happy. This beautiful, kind hearted, caring, wonderful woman he had fallen in love wanted to be Sam and there was no way Nick could stand in the way of her happiness.

Nick moved closer to her and grabbed hold of her hand. "Andy, I understand. You deserve to be happy. All I want for you is to be happy and if that means Sam, I understand."

Suddenly she was hugging him "I'm so sorry Nick, so sorry."

"Sshh Andy, it's ok. Don't be sorry. It's ok," he whispered into her hair, holding back his own tears as he came to terms with how much he was be losing.

"C'mon Andy, there's no need to cry, I'll be ok. We said we would take this as we go, be open with each other. There is no reason to be sorry. You want a chance with Swarek, take it. I'll still be here for you." Pulling back from her he smiled, letting her know it would be ok.

As his world closed in on him, he needed to get out, before he broke down in front of her. "Andy, I have to go ok, will you be okay on your own?"

Pulling back from him, she nodded at Nick. She replied "Yep. I'll be okay. I really am truly sorry Nick..."

"Andy stop apologising. I will be ok," he smiled crookedly at her before standing up. "We'll talk soon." She stood up as he walked to the door. Giving her one last hug, he walked out the door and didn't look back. If he had, he probably would have cracked and begged her not to choose Sam.


	2. Chapter 2

Chloe was in hospital for far longer than Swarek, but Nick was happy when she was finally able to go home. It was touch and go there for a while, but she had pulled through like a champ. Since she had been released, Nick tried to get over and visit every couple of days. The visits had become one of the highlight of his week, apart from his calls with Andy. As a result, they got much closer than they already had and she was quickly cementing a place for herself in his life.

It was through an afternoon visit with Chloe that he finally confessed he loved Andy. How much he missed her, how he should have fought for her, how much he hated Sam Swarek. She quietly sat and listened to him talk, not interrupting. Even so, he could still see the sympathy in her eyes, but it was much more bearable than the looks he had been getting at the station. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders once he had unloaded to her.

His love for Andy hadn't diminished any, but he finally felt like he could breathe a little better now that he had told someone. And he knew she would keep it to herself. She had been rooting for him and Andy from the start.

After that it became easier to be normal with Andy. They even got back to hanging out after work again. And even if it still hurt him when he saw her face light up when she talked about Sam, it was enough for him to think maybe this was for the best. He could never take that away from her.

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For the first time in her life, Andy felt like things in her life were balanced. Being a copper with 15 was more fulfilling than she had ever imagined back in the academy. And because of 15 she had found some of the best friends. And more importantly, without 15, she would have never gotten Sam. It had been a tough couple of months, but the time spent with Sam had been the best time. He still wasn't as open as Nick with his feelings, but she felt like he was turning a corner. She didn't have to guess as much as she used to, or assume what he was feeling. It was really nice to actually hear the words from him, even if it wasn't too often. She couldn't ever remember feeling this fulfilled.

And yet she couldn't help but think something was missing. She was putting it down to Sam being out of sorts because he wasn't back to work yet. He had been irritable and cranky as he always is when he gets hurt, but it has been escalating the last two weeks. And he had been taking his frustrations out on her. She was hoping that once he went back to work they would get back to normal.

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Today had been a tough day, Sam had finally returned to work – on desk duty, but it meant he got to see them together up close and personal. Hearing about them and seeing them, were two different things and he wasn't quite prepared to see them walking in together, happy as can be. Watching them joke around and smiling together was a punch to the gut. But if the last couple of months had taught him anything, it was that he had become a really good actor around Andy.

As soon as shift was over, he went to Penny for a drink. The biggest surprise when he got there was Chloe and Dov. He hadn't realised she was up and about yet, so seeing her out was fantastic. He came and gave her a huge hug glad to see her smiling face.

As he sat down, Dov went and got them drinks. Chloe leaned in and cocked her head "Tough day?"

How was it that she had gotten so good at reading him. "Swareks first day back today."

He didn't need to say anything else to Chloe, her face showed she understood.

"Gotcha, well you are in the right place to drown your sorrows my friend." As she pointed to herself she added "And I am designated driver tonight, so drink up!"

"Dov," she yelled out "Get shots too."

A few hours later, he saw Andy and Swarek walk into the Penny. If they were here, it meant everyone else wasn't far behind and Nick didn't have enough defences in place to act normal.

He looked at Chloe and Dov "I think I'm gonna head home...got work tomorrow, don't want to be too hungover for shift."

He could see Chloe wanted to say something more, but wisely left it alone. "Alright, I will drop you home and come pick up this lush on the way home." Dov protested, but calmed down as she reached down and gave him a kiss.

"Let's go army boy."

As they walked out, he saw Andy stand up to come over. Up ahead Chloe obviously saw the same thing cause she looked at Andy and shook her head. He doesn't know what Andy saw on her face, but she sat back down. He silently thanks Chloe as they walked out the door.

Andy didn't understand what was going on. How is it that Chloe somehow knew more about Nick than she did. It put her a little off kilter to see them being so cosy together. That had been her until Sam, and she didn't realise he had maybe replaced her. She was upset and maybe more than a little jealous that Chloe could speak for him, as if she knew what he was thinking.

She saw Chloe return about half hour later and jumped up to speak to her. "What's wrong with Nick?"

"He was just having a bad day."

"Why what happened?"

"Look Andy, you can't fix this problem. Leave Nick be, he will tell you when he's ready."

"But we don't keep secrets from each other. Why can't he talk to me? Have I done something to upset him." Andy was getting worked up. Never had they lied to each other. And they definitely haven't kept things from each other. Chloe didn't know what she was talking about, surely he would want her there.

"I'm gonna go see him. If he needs someone, I want to be there." As she started walking to get her bag, Chloe grabbed her arm and pulled her down to sit at the nearest table.

"Ok, I am gonna make this really clear for you and then we are never going to speak about it again. You are also never to bring this up because I was told this in confidence. And Nick is one of my closest friends. Nick is in love with you Andy, has loved you since you were undercover. He is okay with not being with you, but he is not over you. And seeing Sam reminds him of what he lost. You can't expect him to be happy about this situation. You really hurt him Andy, so cut him some slack alright. He is working through it, but it's gonna take time. Oh, and by the way, you might want to think about cutting back on the phone calls. They might be helping you deal with things, but they certain aren't helping him get over you."

As Chloe got up and walked over to Dov, Andy sat dumbfounded. She hadn't really given much consideration to how Nick felt because he had seemed so normal. And she knew he cared about her, but in love with her. Surely Chloe was wrong. Not willing to think about it too much right now, she returned to her seat next to Sam.

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Somehow after Swareks first day back, things with Andy got weird again. All the progress they had made in the last couple of months had been ruined. For the first time ever, Andy had withdrawn from him. If he thought the break up was hard, well this was right up there with it. Even though they hadn't always been together, they had always been friends. That had never changed in the time he had known her.

It was like instead of her trying to keep the friendship intact, he was now the one making all the efforts. And she was shutting him down at every turn. Even when she came to the Penny, she would sit glued to Sam's side, not even coming to sit with the rest of the Rookies. He was trying not to take it personally, but there was only so much denial he could accept. She was still fine with everyone else, even Gail surprisingly. If she should be awkward with anyone, he though it would be Gail. But it looks like they had somehow sorted things out and were back to being friends... or whatever they were.

To be honest, he was more than a little hurt by her behaviour. But he also wasn't quite willing to confront her about it, scared of what she might say. He just hoped she would get back to normal soon.

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For some reason every since Chloe's revelation at the Penny, Andy couldn't stop thinking about it. She knew Nick cared, but she hadn't realised how much he cared. And in hindsight, she could see all the little things he did that showed he loved her.

And what was worse, she had started comparing him to Sam. When Sam was annoyed he would go off to the bedroom and sulk, but Nick he would tell her why he was annoyed and talk it through. Nick would sit quietly reading while she was watching her soaps, Sam would try to distract her. When she was on the phone to Tracy, Nick would be sitting there eagerly waiting to hear what she said, Sam just walked away and left her to it.

The differences between them were becoming more and more obvious and she knew Sam was looking at her lately with a suspicious look on his face. She had withdrawn from him a little, but she hadn't realised it was noticeable until she had seen him studying her. She was trying to be normal and pretending she wasn't thinking of another man while with him.

But even as she resolved to not think about Nick, she couldn't help but think Nick wouldn't accept her silence, he would make her talk about it. And she thinks subconsciously she was hoping Sam would confront her on her behaviour. He never did though.


End file.
